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According to our mole embedded deep within the Brewers clubhouse, dugout fisticuffs between Milwaukee's Prince Fielder and Manny Parra began when the 275-pound Fielder said, “Manny, old chap, I have only the deepest admiration for your contributions to the team, but I do wish you’d throw a strike occasionally.” Parra, a lithe 6’3” 200- pounder, responded, “You look like a meatloaf with arms. Go snack on some kelp, you vegan churl.” After dabbing a stray tear and huddling with Brewers utilityman/emotional lynchpin Bill Hall, Fielder pounced on Parra.
And thus we were treated to a full day of “they're losing it!” headlines… just as we’ll be treated to similar reports when these five intrasquad tensions bubble over into slappy semi-violence.
Jason Varitek and Sean Casey, Boston Red Sox
Varitek is the heart-of-the-franchise guy who was born wearing eye black. Casey is the smiley, beefy dude whose genial disposition has earned him the nickname “the Mayor.” Sooner or later, Varitek will snap during one of Casey’s fraternizations with the enemy at first base—say, when he attempts to get New York–based enemy operatives to participate in his “Doughnuts for Darfur” charity bake-a-thon. Terse conversations will ensue.
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Maybe it’s the summer heat, or maybe they figure that we’re all too revved up about fantasy football to concern ourselves with baseball silliness. But man, this was the dumbest week for baseball dummies in some dumb time. Here are your most flagrant offenders.
 Melky Cabrera, New York Yankees
There's plenty to dislike about Yankees fans: the sense of entitlement, the pink replica caps and jerseys, the stubborn refusal to admit that A-Rod is 32 times the player Derek Jeter is, etc. But one of the truly great Yankee Stadium traditions is the first-inning “roll call": fans in Section 39 chant each starter’s name, followed by a quick wave from said starter. On Tuesday night, Melky Cabrera took this tradition a bit too seriously, responding to the fans during a play and promptly kicking the ball for an error. IDJIT.
 Jim Bowden, Washington Nationals
As the July 31 trade deadline approached, it seemed there would be a mere three or four legit relievers on the market: Colorado’s Brian Fuentes (zesty!), Pittsburgh’s Damaso Marte (mysterious!), Atlanta’s Will Ohman (oh-some!), and Washington’s Jon Rauch (tall!). Bowden, who controlled the destiny of the latter, didn’t see it this way. He struck way early, sending Rauch, his top-20-reliever bona fides, and his cheapie-pants contract to Arizona for minor-leaguer Emilio Bonifacio, who ain’t especially young (23) or proficient at any one thing (he’s fast, yet has been thrown out on eight of his 25 steal attempts... in triple-friggin’-A). Why can’t we lure guys like Bowden into our big-money rotisserie leagues? Every cellar needs a dweller. MORON.
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 Baltimore’s Brian Roberts is one of the few MLBers who holds the twin distinctions of being both a pretty darn great player and a decent, thoughtful guy. Fresh off an All-Star snub—he doesn’t think it’s a snub, but we have no clue how a second baseman boasting an .864 OPS and a solid glove doesn’t belong on the team—he called to talk charity (his Brian’s Bracelet program, which provides more comfortable stays for patients at the University of Maryland Hospital for Children) and about his way-friskier-than-expected Orioles.
How did the Brian’s Bracelet program start?
I’ve been working with the hospital for five or six years now. GameWear came up with the idea of a bracelet with Orioles colors and a baseball on it, with me and two kids kind of cartooned on it. They’re $10 each and all proceeds go to the hospital. GameWear doesn’t make a cent off this.
You seem to be taking this stuff pretty personally.
When I was five years old, I had open heart surgery. So I spent time in a hospital as a kid and I know what it does to both the child and the family. We're trying to make the experience there as good as it can possibly be—not only with visits and having personal relationships with the kids and their families, but also financially as well.
I was very fortunate. My dad was the college baseball coach at the time for the University of North Carolina. I can remember his players coming to visit me and lots of other people reaching out. But unfortunately, not all kids have that, so we try to make visits and take over t-shirts, toys, books, video games, things like that. We’ve got the bracelets and my function in September (Brian's Baseball Bash).
 OK, what about this season?
It’s been fun for us. Going into spring training, there were not a whole lot of expectations outside of our organization or even inside our organization. With the big trades we made this winter—trading away Miguel Tejada and Erik Bedard—people thought we’d fall off the face of the earth for a little while. But we’ve played really good baseball and it’s been fun to be a part of it. I’ve heard more support from fans this year than I have in a long time, about how much fun our team is to watch.
Uh huh. And what about your All-Star snub?
The All-Star Game is always interesting. You never know how it’s going to shake out player-wise. There are lots of second basemen having great years: Dustin Pedroia, Ian Kinsler. It was one of those numbers games, I guess.
You don't sound like you've been snubbed. Surprised by your Os so far this year?
You’re talking about major-league players here. It’s not like we’re going to roll over and die, and it’s not like we’re not capable of going out and playing against anybody else. On a daily basis, you go out there and believe you have a chance to win. How that turns out over 162 games? We may not be in the position to fight against New York or Boston in a 162-game season, but we’re certainly capable of going out there and giving ourselves a chance on a day-to-day basis.
How 'bout them Tampa Rays?
We’ve been saying for two or three years they were ready to play this way. We just felt they needed another arm or two in the starting rotation; they never really had that front-to-back depth. Offensively they’ve always driven you crazy. Now they’re starting to pitch. We knew when they put the two together they’d be dangerous. I’m not sure if any of us expected it to happen this quick or that they’d be this good.
You've been the subject of numerous trade rumors, mostly involving the Cubs. Let's talk about feelings.
You say that you don’t worry about it and it doesn’t bother you, but throughout the winter and spring training, I thought about it. Every day it was part of my life. People were asking and calling. At one point this winter, I got a text message saying a deal was done.
You put it out of your mind. Once the season starts, you just go out there and play the game. You know you’re going to be playing baseball one way or another, whether it’s in Baltimore or Chicago or some other city. You're still going to be playing the same game and position.
Which players did you most admire growing up?
Cal Ripken is one of the guys I certainly admire, for who he is as person and what he did for the game, the way he went about his business. I was fortunate to play with him in his last year. The consecutive game streak, for most of us who play every day, is unfathomable [Laughs].
I loved watching Ozzie Smith play when I was growing up. He was a smaller, switch-hitting shortstop, which is what I was at the time. Walt Weiss, who played for my dad, was one of my heroes. B.J. Surhoff as well.
What are we going to get out of the Orioles in the season's second half?
We need to continue to build for the future. At the end of July, you never know what’s going to happen and what’s going to unfold with teams and trades. We have some pieces people may want. You try to keep your focus on the game and not worry about the trades. We may not win the pennant, but we do want to continue to get better.
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Nobody—not the jihadists, not Christie Brinkley—hates as hard and as cold as a scorned fantasy-sports owner. These are the much-touted guys who oughta watch their backs after the disappointing first halves they've had this season.
C: Jason Varitek, Boston Red Sox
Red Sox fans love this fella almost as much as they love bandwagon-hopping and pink replica baseball caps. They’ve let this adoration blind them to the obvious: that Varitek, the stoic, square-headed champion of Yankee-extermination, is losing more runs with his bat than he’s saving with his grunty guidance of the club’s pitching staff.
Guys who have been better: Kurt Suzuki, Chris Iannetta
 1B: Paul Konerko, Chicago White Sox
One might liken the speed of his decline to the death of a cell phone battery once the “warning” light starts blinking: One minute he was there, and the next he wasn’t.
Guys who have been better: Carlos Delgado, Kevin Millar
 2B: Robinson Cano, New York Yankees
They give awards in baseball for everything: Gold Gloves to players ([cough] Jim Edmonds! [cough]) who make routine plays look superheroic, Cy Youngs to pitchers whose gaudy win totals impress ancient sportswriters with thickets of ear hair, etc. Why not a formal honorarium for Cano and his compadres—Eric Gagne, Miguel Cabrera, Andruw Jones—who haven’t deigned to give a shit in 2008? Maybe name the award after a legendary hack like Dave Kingman?
Guys who have been better: , Ray Durham
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| Joba Chamberlain: 100 MPH Hurler, 80 Percent Guitar Hero |
| Posted 7/17/2008 12:48:00 PM by Gerasimos Manolatos |
| Filed under: Event, Guitar hero, Guitar Hero: Aerosmith, Joba Chamberlain, Microsoft, New york, Xbox 360, Yankees, Baseball, Interview |
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Our previous interviews with celebrities playing video games exceeded our expectations, so when I got the call for a side session with Joba Chamberlain playing Guitar Hero: Aerosmith, I dashed through Broadway traffic to do the interview. Sponsored by Microsoft and Xbox 360, Joba was taking on other Live gamers in their latest Game With Fame event and as it turned out, I had walked in on the hurler facing someone in "Dream On"... on hard! Check the full interview after the break!
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