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It’s too late for CC Sabathia. Now that he’s been traded to Milwaukee, he’ll spend his days lounging in a kiddie pool filled with Pabst and his nights nibbling on lean delicacies like bratwurst and kielbasa. Given that the city’s restaurateurs don’t serve anything else—except to Prince Fielder, the latest victim of vegetarian brainwashing propaganda—Sabathia should pass the 320-pound mark by Monday, and lapse into a diabetic coma before the month is out.
We pray for CC’s rotund frame, and the Durasteel-reinforced mattress asked to accommodate it every night. We also pray that none of the following fat asses join him in the cardiac and circulatory netherworld that is Wisconsin.
 Andruw Jones, Los Angeles Dodgers
Imagine you’re Dodgers GM Ned Colletti in the dugout on the first day of spring training discussing your savage lust for veteran players. Then in walks your prized free-agent signing, looking as if he’d spent the off-season at pudding boot camp. Your first impulse would probably be to see if he’s punking you with the ol’ pillow-under-the-shirt gag. Your second would be to start pricing girdles.
 Ronnie Belliard, Washington Nationals
He’s listed at 5’10”, 215 lbs. Riiiiiiiight. Watching Belliard try to execute a simple double-play pivot is like watching a cruise ship dock. The über-rotund Belliard—his body shape might best be described as “circular”—may be the only human being for whom the concept of a “center of gravity” is irrelevant.
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Nobody wants to eat with you. It may be that you're offensive, were a 9/11 mastermind, or simply dine like a Cloverfield monster, but DiGiorno isn't here to judge; they're here to lab-engineer the perfect amount of food for the recluse on the go to nowhere. We sampled DiGiorno's frozen fare, which they generously delivered to our offices in a special dry-ice cooler. It's delivery and it's DiGiorno.
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