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It’s too late for CC Sabathia. Now that he’s been traded to Milwaukee, he’ll spend his days lounging in a kiddie pool filled with Pabst and his nights nibbling on lean delicacies like bratwurst and kielbasa. Given that the city’s restaurateurs don’t serve anything else—except to Prince Fielder, the latest victim of vegetarian brainwashing propaganda—Sabathia should pass the 320-pound mark by Monday, and lapse into a diabetic coma before the month is out.
We pray for CC’s rotund frame, and the Durasteel-reinforced mattress asked to accommodate it every night. We also pray that none of the following fat asses join him in the cardiac and circulatory netherworld that is Wisconsin.
 Andruw Jones, Los Angeles Dodgers
Imagine you’re Dodgers GM Ned Colletti in the dugout on the first day of spring training discussing your savage lust for veteran players. Then in walks your prized free-agent signing, looking as if he’d spent the off-season at pudding boot camp. Your first impulse would probably be to see if he’s punking you with the ol’ pillow-under-the-shirt gag. Your second would be to start pricing girdles.
 Ronnie Belliard, Washington Nationals
He’s listed at 5’10”, 215 lbs. Riiiiiiiight. Watching Belliard try to execute a simple double-play pivot is like watching a cruise ship dock. The über-rotund Belliard—his body shape might best be described as “circular”—may be the only human being for whom the concept of a “center of gravity” is irrelevant.
 Bartolo Colon, Boston Red Sox
There’s been a lot of talk about how Colon has slimmed down this season, that through his recent raft of injuries he's found some stay-in-shape religion. But remember: This is the guy who at one point was so enormous as to worry groundskeepers about the structural integrity of the mound. So let’s not go soliciting a Jenny Craig testimonial from him just yet, K?
 Bobby Jenks, Chicago White Sox
His jowls have jowls. His belly button doubles as a gravy boat. When standing up and looking downward, his feet are merely a rumor. And yet Jenks can still legitimately list “professional athlete” as his profession on his tax return. This is not fair.
 David Weathers, Cincinnati Reds
Of all the players in baseball history, Weathers is the most likely to appear in the same sentence as the word "porcine." He pitched in Milwaukee some years ago, but that was before the calories stopped melting off his aging frame. Lousy metaba-ma-molism.
 Jonathan Broxton, Los Angeles Dodgers
At 6’4” and at least 15 pounds over his listed 290, he rushes in from the bull pen with nostrils flaring, pausing in center field to catch his breath. When he finally reaches the mound, sweat pouring like an ultramarathoner, Broxton manages to zip 99-MPH fastballs by hitters before passing out. True fact: The Dodgers medical staff has been known to revive him with taffy. |
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