 John McCain |
 Barack Obama |
THE ENVIRONMENT
 John McCain: NASCAR 09
While the Great Right Hope has touted a plan to cut greenhouse emissions 60 percent by 2050, his zero rating for 2007 by the League of Conservation Voters on environmental issues should serve as a caution flag for any tree hugger. Couple that with delegate chants of "Drill, baby, drill" at the Republican National Convention and you've got a record as green as the tarmac at Talladega. Punch it! |
 Barack Obama: Flower
If you're down with flowers and nature and shit, you're probably leaning Democrat this year. With an 82 percent voting record on pro-environmental issues the last two years, Obama may be best represented by Flower, a game in which you play as... wait for it... THE WIND! Push spores around, make windmills turn, create ocean waves—really, where does the fun end? (Or begin.) |
GUN CONTROL
 John McCain: Grand Theft Auto
Flip open any game in the series and you'll find firearms ranging from small hand cannons to AK-47s just sitting on the street for you, or your neighbor, or a school full of 13-year-olds to pick up. But, hey, it's America, and we've got something called the Second Amendment, of which McCain has been a stalwart defender (he voted against the Brady bill and the assault rifles ban). So, next time you're at one of his pep rallies, scream loudly and proudly, "I'll give you my rocket launcher when you pry it from my cold, dead hands!" |
 Barack Obama: Duck Hunt
If you're Baracking the vote this year, you'd do well not to build an automatic weapons cache in your home. A vocal proponent of the assault rifles ban, Obama favors turning back the clock on American gun ownership to a time when you only shot what you could eat. But even if you’re leaning blue this year, you’ll still be covered in the event that aimless 8-bit ducks and a snickering dog break into your house. |
PERSONAL STORY
 John McCain: Call of Duty 4
A naval aviator during the Vietnam War, McCain's plane was shot down. He was then captured and tortured for more than five years, refusing to divulge secrets in exchange for his early release. Thirty-five years later, his campaign slogan exhorts Americans to similarly put country first—to answer, if you will, the call of duty. If you're still confused as to why COD4 fits here, election board officials will be by shortly to revoke your voting stick. |
 Barack Obama: StarCraft
Nothing says community organization like Blizzard's popular real-time strategy game. You control one of three competing races of civilization and build up an army of willing minions to help you achieve total world domination. (Or at least arrange punch and cooking at the Terran neighborhood watch meeting.) |
HEALTH CARE
 John McCain: Super Ghouls 'n Ghosts
If you've ever played the SNES classic, you would likely have paid three arms and a leg just to bypass its notoriously difficult opening levels. By comparison, McCain's plan for universal health care is a bargain! By creating competition among providers, he hopes to drive down monthly costs—at least for the 15 percent of Americans who don't have insurance. For those who do, the transition to a market-based system will mean higher taxes and less take-home pay in addition to ever-higher premiums. |
 Barack Obama: PAIN
OK, you just got health insurance: what's the first thing you do? If you said, "jump on a giant slingshot and hurtle headlong into oncoming traffic" like the masochistic marionette in this mindless PS3 game, Obama wants to make your dream a reality with his plan to make medical care affordable for all: hypochondriacs, backyard wrestlers, human slingshots—everyone. Next time you charge into a frail elderly woman walking her dog, take comfort in knowing that your pick for president is footing bill.
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ECONOMY & TAXES
 John McCain: Capitalism
Death, taxes, blah, blah, blah; Bush tax cuts blah, blah, blah. If you know what any of that means, you're much smarter than we are, and you should be playing the business-minded game Capitalism. Take over a multimillion-dollar company and scare competitors shitless with how awesome you are at business. Then please tell us what doing business means exactly. |
 Barack Obama: The Adventures of Robin Hood
If, like us, your TV predilections run more towards important stuff like Hole in the Wall than lame-o political conventions, you probably missed Obama's promise to give 95 percent of Americans a tax cut, essentially taking from the rich (boooo!) and giving to the poor (yaaaay!). You saw this policy in action in the 1992 video game, which puts you in Robin's tights as he tries to reclaim his stolen castle. Moral of the story: If you like castles, vote Democrat. |
IRAQ WAR
 John McCain: Warhawk
Sony's foray into the war zone straps you into the cockpit of a fighter jet to maneuver through enemy territory. McCain has similarly been a war hawk on the issue of Iraq, having pushed for more troops in the region at a time when the war was as popular as a Verne Troyer sex tape. (Excuse us while we throw up a little after typing that.) |
 Barack Obama: Sid Meier's Civilization: Revolution
If you've played any Civilization game, you know the harsh reality of declaring war on your enemies. They all come at you at once, turning your kingdom into a giant turd blossom. You, however, have a champion for your cause: Obama's foreign policy advises erring on the side of diplomacy with other countries instead of going Biff Tannen on them. |
SOCIAL SECURITY
 John McCain: Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots
McCain supports privatization, which would place funds in stock-based accounts that may or may not yield little to no money for eventual retirees, a future most recently envisioned in the latest Metal Gear. More than 20 years after his debut, Solid Snake, now Old Snake, is still battling his twin rival well into his twilight years to supplement a meager fixed income. It's gotten so bad, he's paying off gun launderers with clipped coupons—way to go, new federal assistance program. |
 Barack Obama: Tetris
Obama, on the other hand, favors preserving the system as-is—i.e., scrambling to come up with money to continue funding the wrinkles brigade. A strategy not unlike banking on that asshole long piece in Tetris. If it comes, great! If it doesn't, you'll be working at Costco till you're 85. |
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