So, you want to learn how to be a dom? Contrary to mainstream media and porn videos, being a dominant man in bed isn’t just about whips and chains, though it most certainly involves such kind of paraphernalia if you’re up for it. Both in bed and in life, being dominant requires power, control, and confidence.
Admittedly, a dominant-submissive relationship with your partner can be a complex territory to explore. When done right, however, the respectful and consensual power play between you and your partner can be immensely pleasurable. What’s more, sex and submission creates more depth in your relationship built on trust and respect.
Meanwhile, learning how to be dominant outside of the bedroom means being more assertive in sharing your ideas and opinions. It’s all about challenging yourself while also leading others. Additionally, being dominant in life means earning the trust of others—a fundamental recipe for great leadership. Once others do start trusting you, you must remain solid in your principles, exhibit responsibility and ownership, and exude confidence in whatever you’re doing.
Learn how to be a good dom inside and outside the bedroom through this guide. We’ll walk you through all the things you need to know about asserting dominance in the bedroom and out.
What is a Dom?
You’re probably wondering what is BDSM or what does BDSM stands for. These four letter-acronyms stands for Bondage/Discipline, Dominance/Submission, Sadism/Masochism. All of which refer to the consensual power dynamics in the bedroom.
In the world of BDSM, a dom in a relationship enjoys being dominant over their partner. This means calling the shots in the bedroom while the submissive partner lets him or her take charge.
In the power dynamic between the dominant and the submissive, it’s the former who administers sexual fantasies such as hair pulling, spanking, bondage, and other kinky BDSM ideas.
Being dominant doesn’t stop in the bedroom, though. You can learn how to be more dominant in life as well. May this be in the workplace or other social dynamics. In order to beget success and assert dominance, you need to be more confident in everything you do.
How to be a Dom in the Bedroom
1. Building Confidence in Yourself
The first thing you need to do on learning how to be more dominant in bed is build your self-confidence. Domination and submission is all about trust. But how do you expect your partner to put their trust in you when you don’t emanate a healthy level of self-confidence? While it may seem that most dominants exude natural confidence in them, that isn’t always the case. There are plenty of ways to gain confidence in yourself.
One of the primary ways that boost self-confidence is by being kind to yourself. Nobody is perfect and you don’t have to be. Treat yourself with kindness if you make mistakes.
Gain the optimism that comes from believing in your capabilities. Seeing yourself as a worthwhile person can have several benefits in your life. Building a positive body image will also aid you in gaining the confidence you need to be more dominant.
2. Own Your Power
The prospect of power and control may seem enticing, but would you know what to do with them in actuality? After boosting your self-confidence and self-esteem, the next thing you need to work on is owning your power. Relationships should always be equal, but that doesn’t mean a little power play here and there won’t hurt, especially if it’s consensual. Once you find a partner who is willing to enter a power imbalance dynamic with you, you must learn how to own the power that they gave to you.
If it’s your first time acting out Dominant/Submissive roles in the bedroom, it may seem odd at first — maybe a bit wrong, even. The beauty of this type of power dynamic play, though, is that you are free to always switch up roles. Admittedly, there are people who find comfort sticking to their roles as dominant or submissive. Nevertheless, when starting out, it’s best to switch roles every now and then. This is to allow both you and your partner a chance to figure out what brings out the most amount of pleasure.
A D/S relationship in the bedroom is all about escapism. Many people with submissive tendencies want to let go of control. By doing so, they can behave in ways they’ve never imagined they could. That’s why you shouldn’t be afraid of taking power as you and your partner play out your sexual fantasies in your own little world.
3. Understand The Psychology Behind Submission
We mentioned one of the main reasons why people want to submit. But don’t assume every submissive has the same motivation. It’s always best to ask and have an open discussion with your significant other about why they want to submit to you or why they want to be dominated. This allows you to be a better dom.
Some women are submissive in nature. A study from Santa Clara University suggests that submissive women, statistically those who grew up surrounded by authority figures, are attracted to dominant men, and want to be dominated in bed as a sexual fantasy.
Meanwhile, some groups of women, usually those who hold power or those who get stressed a lot at work, prefer to be submissive. They find relief in the role reversal where they get to, at least in bed, let go of control completely. One can even look at it as a coping strategy to deal with stress.
On the other hand, some women want to submit because they are giving in to their partner’s request.
There are plenty of other reasons someone wants to be submissive. Regardless, it’s best to discuss these things before acting out any perverse and extreme BDSM fantasies.
4. Do Not Underestimate the Importance of Trust
Submission is a gift. In order to understand how to be a dom in bed fully, you must first build trust with your partner. Trust is a precious thing and should be treated as such. Once you’ve built a level of trust with your partner, you must do everything in your power not to break it.
When it comes to the world of BDSM and dominance in the bedroom, trust provides a sense of safety. Mixing sex and submission means being completely vulnerable to another person. This means that your partner is relying on you to do the right thing. As the dominant, you should know when to stop when things get overwhelming or when you feel that your partner is no longer comfortable.
Moreover, the higher level of trust between you and your submissive means more willingness to go over the edge. Without proper trust, only fear and uncertainty will fester in this game of power imbalance.
5. Master Verbal Communication
Just like any relationship, communication is key. Talking before, during, and after sex is crucial for a glorious experience. You can’t just dive in headfirst with ways to dominate a woman in bed without actually talking to her first. Honest communication beforehand allows both of you to know intuitively what the other wants and expects during sex. It is true that some submissive women want you to read their minds and give them what they want without asking. However, open verbal communication not only builds trust and sets limitations, but it can also lead to extremely pleasurable sex.
After all, a little bit of dirty talk can go a long way. Dirty talk is an art and any dominant man in bed should master it. You can’t just throw out random phrases during sex. You need to learn what both you and your partner like and what’s off-limits. Some women may not like being called derogatory terms such as “bitch” and “slut,” while others may actually thrive off it during sex.
What’s more, mastering verbal communication will also allow you and your partner to articulate what you both want and expect. This allows the both of you to explain what pleases you and why. As such, it’s best to discuss beforehand what are the limitations of your partner before going into any explicit dirty talk, verbal humiliation, or other extreme BDSM scenes.
6. Body Language is Everything
When in the throes of passion, verbal communication can sometimes be forgotten. This is especially if you know how to dominate a girl right. When done right, your partner can easily enter their subspace. If you’re still unfamiliar with the world of BDSM, a subspace is a mental state where a submissive experiences total calmness, euphoria, and harmony. According to a 2017 study from Widener University, a subspace is an altered state of consciousness that lets you disconnect from reality. While no two subspace experiences are alike, it is generally believed to be a trancelike state and provides an out-of-body experience.
Once a submissive is in this mental sphere, communication can be tricky. Learning how to be a good dom means you know the importance of watching out for your submissive’s body language. You need to learn how to judge for yourself if you need to cut the scene as well.
7. Project Your Voice
Projecting your voice doesn’t mean yelling or shouting. In fact, when it comes to the kinky play of dominance and submission, you should avoid any form of yelling. It’s a sign of weakness that stems from anger when you cannot control a situation. It’s important in figuring out how to be a dom in bed to never appear weak and erratic when you’re dominating someone.
Instead, learn how to speak powerfully and clearly. Proper enunciation, good breathing posture, and, of course, confidence can go a long way in commanding a room. Remember, powerful does not and should not equal loud. It’s important to keep calm and collected when speaking out commands.
8. Guide Your Sub Through Aftercare
This next topic on our list is targeted towards those who want to know how to be a dom in bed. Sexual aftercare is an essential part of extreme BDSM play.
Once all the chains and ropes come undone, a good dom must take care of their sub. This process allows for the submissive to recover from their subspace and sub-drop. While entering a subspace alludes to euphoria, it is typically followed by the sub-drop.
What is a sub-drop? Similar to subspace, it is a mental and physical state that occurs after a BDSM scene. Unlike subspaces, though, people who experience sub-drops often say they feel emotionally volatile and physically tired. This state can cause a person to feel down, have less energy, and feel emotionally raw.
When a submissive falls into this pit, a good dom helps them come down out of this state. There’s no right or wrong way to execute aftercare. It truly depends on you and your partner. Simple things like holding them and whispering positive affirmations such as “You did well,” or “That’s a good girl,” are enough. Asking them how they are and encouraging conversations are also a few ways to help them process the intense experience. If your submissive feels the need to cry and be cuddled, let them and hold on to them until they land back from their sub-drop.
Again, verbal communication can go a long way in figuring out what form of aftercare works for your partner. So, don’t be afraid to have an open and honest discussion before and after plays that involve power exchange.
9. Welcome Feedback
Being a dom in the bedroom means being open to feedback. In terms of playing with power dynamics, after every scene, you and your partner should also have conversations about the experience. Talking about what you both like and didn’t like is one of the best ways to learn how to be dominant in bed. Take note of focusing on the reasons behind them, though. Knowing how to listen openly is important when it comes to any D/S relationship.
Remember not to take these conversations as judgment, and also not to obsess over them. While you should understand and learn from comments, don’t go around dissecting each and every word. This will only hinder you from knowing how to be dominant in a relationship. Once these conversations start getting to your head, you won’t be able to commit fully during your next encounter.
Feedback should help you and your partner learn more about what works and what doesn’t. Essentially, feedback will help you enhance the sexual experience.
10. Understand The Limitations of Being A Dom
In order to know how to be a dom in a relationship, you also need to know your limitations. It’s best to limit this power dynamic play of sex and submission inside the bedroom. And even inside the bedroom, you should know your limits as well. Domination is all about power and control. However, always remember that it is the submissive giving you these two.
We’ve discussed earlier how you should have honest conversations about what both of you and your partner want. As well as setting limits and boundaries. Now, you must remember to respect those boundaries. Stick to the rules established. So, when your partner suddenly feels overwhelmed and wants to stop the session, you stop. Remember, you’re not only carrying the physical responsibility of being a dom but the emotional one as well.
How to be a Dom Outside the Bedroom
Now you know the basics of being a dom in bed, let’s move forward to know how to be a dom outside of the bedroom. Many of the points we’ve discussed above also apply to being more dominant in life. This includes:
- Be more confident and own your power. Regardless if you’re promoted, appointed, or even elected to a certain level of authority, this doesn’t necessarily mean you already own your power. Assuming powerful roles in life can be tricky, especially if you’re not yet confident in owning them.
- Build trust with people around you is important in order to become a dom as well. In professional relationships, trust creates a more collaborative work environment. This allows for better and honest communication, not only with employees with their leaders but with each other as well. As such, this results in a better flow of innovation and productivity.
- Project your voice in the workplace. Besides honing your verbal communication skills, projecting a powerful voice is also crucial in being a dom in life. Just like in the bedroom, you should never yell or shout. It’s human nature to feel frustrations at work, but yelling at workmates or subordinates can cause irreparable damage. Learning how to speak clearly with proper enunciation and confidence can help you project your voice more powerfully.
- Project positive body language is essential in being a dom in life. Proper posture and just the right amount of eye contact can do wonders in projecting self-confidence.
- Look the part. In order to be more dominant outside of the bedroom, you also need to be more conscious about your clothes and appearance. It can go a long way in looking more confident and dominant. You may think a three-piece suit is required to look like the next Christian Grey from the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy. However, even a business casual for men outfits can already make you look more domineering, in a good way.
- Value feedback in order to become more dominant in life. Don’t hide away from feedback. Remember, constructive criticism is not an attack on you. Instead, embrace it, welcome it, and most importantly, learn from it.
- Don’t abuse your power. Just because you’re the boss, doesn’t mean you can be bossy. Abusing the power handed to you can be costly in the long run. It can ruin your relationships with people in every way imaginable. If you don’t want to lose the trust and relationships you created in life, don’t overstep the power and authority given to you.
What Makes a Good Dom
What makes a good dom, anyway? Being a dom is all about pleasing your submissive.
In some dom and sub dynamics, we often see the dom ordering submissive women around. Sometimes they will restrain or punish them. However, learning how to be a dom isn’t all about that. Knowing how to take care of your partner is crucial in understanding how to be a dom in a relationship.
Giving in to your partner’s whims will only result in them being more open to submitting. Not only does this ensure a happy submissive, but also more pleasurable sexual encounters.