Is it easy for you to get close to others and open up to them? Do you have a hard time letting your walls down? Do you often feel secure in relationships? Have you ever wondered how your relationships affect you as a person? Well, answers to these questions are a characteristic manifestation of your attachment style. We all know that relationships can be tricky. However, did you know that how we were treated as children directly impacts our behavior and actions in adult relationships? The behavior of our parents or primary caregivers during our early years determines the style of attachment we have. More often than not, we carry the attachment type we develop from childhood into adulthood. This affects our interactions and connections with other people, from dating, friendships, and even our own parenting style. By determining which style you have, you can become a better companion in love and life.
Take a simple attachment style quiz online and it can already give you a sense of what’s going on in your relationship as an effect of our behaviors. Attachment style tests will also help you predict what your response and behavior to most circumstances will be. Better yet, take a look at these four attachment styles in adults, and see which traits mentioned feel like it matches yours. We dive into the four major styles of attachment and how they affect who you are, and how they impact our relationships with others. You’ll be surprised how our attachment styles not only influence our romantic relationships, but friendships, parenting styles, and worldview, too.
What is an Attachment Style?
According to a study in Developmental Psychology, it was the renowned British psychologist John Bowlby who first proposed the Attachment Theory. The theory suggests that strong emotional and physical bonds with parents or primary caregivers are essential to our development. Bowlby also theorized that a person’s earliest connections, especially during the first two years of life, have a tremendous impact on their connections later on.
Bowlby may have been the first one to create the initial blueprint for attachment theory. However, it was developmental psychologist Mary Ainsworth who identified three major types of attachment in the 1970s. Secure attachment, ambivalent-insecure attachment, and avoidant-insecure attachment were the first attachment types in adults. In the 1990s, researcher Mary Main suggested a fourth style — the disorganized or fearful-avoidant attachment style. Essentially, attachment style is how connected we are with others. The connections and bonds we had as children correlate with how we interact with people as adults.
What are the Four Attachment Styles?
1. Secure Attachment Style
Photo by Jakob Owens on Unsplash.
From the name itself, the secure attachment style is when we have a strong and secure bond with others. People who exhibit this style typically have deep, open, and long-lasting relationships. They also tend to have no issues sharing their feelings with others. Additionally, they also have good self-esteem and are willing to reach out for social support.
Besides romantic relationships, a person who has a secure attachment style is typically more liked in social contexts. Say, in the workplace, employees with this kind of attachment are generally seen as valuable assets. This is because they are more approachable and are capable of building better interpersonal connections, may this be with colleagues, supervisors, or leaders. People with a secure attachment style also tend to find it easier to learn how to make friends as an adult.
Famous Fictional Characters with this attachment style:
Think of Jake and Amy from Brooklyn Nine-Nine. These two New York City police officers are confident in their relationship with each other. We can see this with how they are comfortable having independence while also letting their partner have the same. They openly express their love while still being self-contented as their own separate person.
2. Avoidant Attachment Style
Photo by Alex Green from Pexels.
Sometimes referred to as avoidance of closeness attachment style, children who develop this kind of attachment typically had parents or caregivers who were emotionally unavailable. This results in children who have difficulty seeking anything from anyone else. While this displays an incredible level of independence from an early age, adults who grow up with an avoidant attachment style often find it difficult to form relationships. Other avoidant attachment style traits in adults include being self-contained and finds it uncomfortable to grow emotionally attached to someone else. We can break down this insecure attachment style into two subcategories: dismissive-avoidant and anxious-avoidant attachment style.
a. Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment Style
Adults with dismissive-avoidant attachment styles tend to be loners. They feel safer keeping intense emotions to themselves. They also seem like they are content with who and where they are. However, they tend to regard emotional bonds as unnecessary. People with this style lack the desire to form social and romantic relationships. When they do, they have the tendency to invest very little emotions and are unable to share their thoughts or feelings with others.
Famous Fictional Characters with this attachment style:
Imagine Tony Stark from the Marvel Cinematic Universe (MCU) film franchise. We see him show discomfort in forming deep connections, to the point that he avoids eye contact in situations he thinks a person will get too emotional. Displaying even the most basic emotion seems to be overkill for this MCU hero. It’s so prevalent in his character, fans of the franchise are actually on the lookout for proof that Tony Stark has a heart.
b. Anxious Avoidant Attachment Style
Meanwhile, the anxious-avoidant attachment style is more commonly seen in adults whose parents expected them to be independent, serious, and reserved from a very early age. Sometimes referred to as preoccupied attachment style, people with this style actually want to form greater intimacy with other people. They just have a hard time doing so. They have an overwhelming fear of losing that connection. Or worse, they feel unworthy of it.
Famous Fictional Characters with this attachment style:
An example of the anxious-avoidant attachment style in pop culture is the sparkling vampire himself, Edward Cullen. After he grows attached to Bella Swan, we see him act and verbalize that losing her would be worse than death itself.
3. Ambivalent Attachment Style
The ambivalent style of adult attachment seems to lie between secure and avoidant. Adults who display this style often had their childhood needs met rather inconsistently. Parents or caregivers may sometimes meet their physical and emotional needs, but not all the time. The erratic behavior of a caregiver, such as being nurturing and emotionally available one minute then unavailable the next, leads children to develop an ambivalent attachment style. Children with this kind of attachment tend to want more affection, while also reluctant or suspicious when it is given.
Adults who carry this style of attachment often feel insecure in relationships. They often don’t know what type of treatment to expect from their significant other. Other times, they may also appear clingy and needy since they want constant forms of validation.
Famous Fictional Characters with this attachment style:
Think of Raj Koothrappali from The Big Bang Theory. A generally sweet character, he has trouble forming romantic relationships due to his deep insecurities. Thus, we often see him complaining about his loneliness and constantly asking for reassurance of his worth, not just from his romantic partners, but friends, as well.
4. Disorganized Attachment Style
Also known as the fearful-avoidant attachment style, a person develops this type of attachment when they experience trauma or abuse. Or at the very least, they have encountered caregivers who behaved chaotically or aggressively, causing the child to see them as scary. One of the more complicated attachment styles in adults, people who develop this don’t necessarily have any coping mechanisms. Hence the term, “disorganized.” They cannot tolerate emotional closeness. They are detached from their feelings.
Furthermore, they are also unable to deal with the world around them. This leads them to display frequent outbursts and erratic reactions to situations where they cannot understand the behavior of others. On top of that, a disorganized attachment style also manifests in self-hatred, insecurity, poor self-image, and abandonment issues. Ultimately, this will often result in abusive and dysfunctional relationships. Adults who exhibit this style cannot hold lasting and stable relationships no matter who they are with. This is because, to them, loving someone is a vulnerability that can lead to their ultimate destruction.
Famous Fictional Characters with this attachment style:
An example of this in pop culture is The Beast from the children’s classic Beauty and the Beast. While he obviously craves attention and affection, he lashes out when Belle gives it to him. Due to this anxiety-driven uneasiness, we see anger and fear boil over pretty frequently.
How Attachment Styles are Formed
Photo by Picsea on Unsplash.
As discussed above, types of attachments are formed from a young age. The emotional connection you form as an infant with your earliest caregivers, most likely your parents, shapes your bond to others later in life.
As infants, we are vulnerable, and we look for a reliable caregiver for protection. If our bond with them is strong and secure, we carry that with us into adulthood, resulting in being more open to exploring the world and meeting new people. This confidence and security in trusting others while also knowing how to manage conflict healthily results in better relationships.
If our bond is weak and we experience confusing, inconsistent, and even frightening relationships with our primary caregivers, we are more likely to develop insecure attachments. Insecurely attached people have difficulty understanding their own emotions and needs, which leads to having problems forming relationships. Moreover, they also tend to mistrust others and lack social skills. They can also be deemed as too clingy and needy, or fearful and anxious in their relationships.
Figuring out which style you have and what does your attachment style mean can lead you to a better understanding of your feelings. Additionally, this also helps you become a better partner for your significant other. On top of that, knowing how to deal with both internal and external bonds will also help you learn how to enjoy life to the fullest!
How Your Attachment Style Impacts Your Relationship
Photo by Becca Tapert on Unsplash.
Okay, so now you know what the four attachment styles are and how they’re formed. But how does it affect or impact your relationships? We tend to carry these patterns we form as children into adulthood. As the cycle continues, we also tend to be more attractive to people who can give us a sense of familiarity. So, if you grew up with a secure attachment, you will most likely seek a partner that can provide this as well.
Meanwhile, if you grew up with insecure attachments, you will also likely look for long-term and short-term interpersonal relationships that mimic the one you had from childhood. May this be anxious, avoidant, or disorganized. Don’t be mistaken, though. Despite your style of attachment being something you form as a child and carry with you to adulthood, changing it for the better regardless if it’s hard is still possible.
Changing Your Attachment Style
Unsurprisingly, the secure attachment style is the healthiest style there is. As such, plenty of people want to learn how to develop a secure attachment style. Changing attachment styles in adults is rather difficult, though. This is due to the fact that our attachment style is anchored to our experiences during childhood. It will take a conscious effort on a person’s part to do so. And while we said you can change it, some might say, only faintly. But it doesn’t hurt to try.
How to Overcome Insecure Attachment Styles
For those who exhibit an insecure attachment style, it’s best to seek help from a mental health professional to address the aspects of your life that you can control. If you want to learn how to fix anxious attachment style or how to overcome fearful-avoidant attachment style, you will first need to heal from your past. Trauma, distress, and other unpleasant experiences from your childhood can follow you into adulthood. However, there are several ways to cope with this, such as regulating your emotions. Furthermore, you also need to raise your self-esteem and confidence.
For those with anxious attachment, learning to have open communication skills is also one of the top things you can do to overcome it. If you are able to express your emotions and ask for help, this can lead to more trust. In return, better trust leads to more confidence, not only in your relationship but in yourself as well. Reading nonverbal communication, such as body language, is also essential in building a more secure attachment style. This is because it will help you to better relate to and engage with others. As such, this also helps establish more meaningful bonds. What’s more, being capable of nonverbal communication can even help you learn how to show someone you love them without saying it.
What is the Most Common Attachment Style?
According to a 2018 research, the most common attachment style within the United States population is the secure attachment style. Around 66% of people from the US say that they are securely attached. Children who develop this style become adults who know how to communicate effectively. This style also leads to adults who are independent, yet still comfortable relying on others when needed.
Meanwhile, the least common style in most societies is also the most difficult. Disorganized or fearful-avoidant attachment style affects around 7% of the US population. The abuse, trauma, or erratic behavior from a caregiver experienced as a child can lead to adults who go through confusing and conflicting emotions. With some falling into a pit of self-loathing with plenty of “I hate my life” moments.
Attachment Styles and Dating
Photo by Mark Pecar on Unsplash.
While there may be hundreds of dating advice for men out there, dating and relationships can still be a minefield. This is especially if you yourself are not in the right state to do so. You need to be both mentally and emotionally prepared in order to build long-lasting and secure relationships. Understandably, having a securely attached significant other is ideal. However, not everyone can find or be a partner like this. Most likely, you will experience dating someone with an insecure attachment style.
Dating Insecure Attachment Styles
If you enter a relationship with someone with an avoidant attachment style, there are several approaches you can take on how to be a better partner. The first step in learning how to be in a relationship with an avoidant attachment style is by being reliable. On top of being there for them, you also need to give them space when needed and comfort when wanted.
Having an ambivalent partner can be rather difficult, too. Plenty of times, people who have this style of attachment often feel uneasiness about being in the relationship. The fluctuating emotions that these types of people carry can be draining for their partners. So, if you do choose a significant other with this type of insecure attachment style, be ready to give them constant reassurance.
Meanwhile, if your partner experiences some form of trauma as a child, they may have a disorganized or fearful-avoidant attachment style. Dealing with a significant other like this can be tricky, since they are unable to achieve any real deep connections, despite longing for them. If you yourself cannot handle dysfunctional relationships, it’s best to walk away from a relationship with someone that displays a disorganized attachment style. This is especially if they show abusive tendencies.
Why is Attachment Style so Important?
If you had your fair share of dysfunctional relationships, knowing your attachment type is one of the first steps in becoming a better partner. This allows you to get to the root cause of difficulties in maintaining healthy bonds and connections. Understanding your type of attachment will also help you to better regulate your emotions. This leads to social and emotional development that will result in better and healthier relationships. May this be in romantic relationships, friendships, the workplace, and even parenting.
